CJ Rhodes

Rattus Norvegius (no… I haven’t gone insane) is a common rat sometimes known as the Norway or Brown rat. It can swim a ½ mile out to sea, tread water for three days, dive over a 100’ underwater and, hold its breath for 15 minutes. Damn, I’ll bet you never knew that. I sure didn’t. Rats almost destroyed mankind by spreading the Plague back in the day and they scare the hell outta me. Ever seen Ben or Willard (the movies)? Hoards of vicious rats randomly ripping people apart. “Yuck”. Anyway, I think you get my point. They are not very nice animals but some folks like them.

What I’m really interested in is what you would do if you discovered, on a sunny spring morning, 2647 rats swimming in our lake. More on this later.

The Canada Goose is a majestic bird. An awesome flying creature. We all have seen the film of the geese flying alongside the ultralite plane. Wings a flapping. Graceful. Steadfast in their determination to keep up with the pilot, who, if I remember correctly, is their daddy (or mommy) because he was the first thing they saw after birth. I’m not convinced about how a goose can tell the difference but what do I know. Canada goose is the actual name of the bird and, in most people minds, a reference to where the bird is from. It is a good conclusion but, in fact the Canada goose is found all over the world. It’s not our national bird as most think (actually it’s the Common Loon in case you were wondering). The one component of the ultralite film that is missing is what is happening at the rear of the goose. An average goose produces  3 pounds of feces (from now on referred to as poop) a day. Goose poop is particularly nasty stuff. It’s even a few steps up the nasty scale from dog poop. You step in it and you know it right away. Geese are indiscriminate creatures. They poop everywhere, anywhere they want and, whenever they feel the urge. Flying, swimming or, waddling, it doesn’t matter. They are incredibly adept at pooping with unbelievable accuracy when flying. Moving cars, speeding buses and mothers walking strollers are no challenge. “Splat”, first time every time and never a near miss. They are also, apparently, very good at making heroes out of airline pilots who fly over the Hudson River in New York.

On January 2, 2010 a bird count took place in our area and it was determined that there are 2647 geese pooping with proliferation on our streets, on our sidewalks, on our trails, in our lake, on our cars,  our rooftops and, if you dare to look up, our foreheads. Let’s just simplify it and say they are pooping everywhere. Why is this important? Well, I’m going to use a highly complicated mathematical equation to help us understand the complexity of this matter. Here goes…. try to follow my logic: 2647 X 3 = 7941.

I need to take a break and say a few things before going further. I apologize for references to pounds. I know, we live with the metric system but 7941 pounds sounds more impressive than 3602 kilograms. Also, I am a humane person who loves animals and I’ve never (that I can remember) mistreated an animal. I am a carnivore and I appreciate how and why cows, chickens and, fish end up on our dinner table.

My point is… we have a serious problem in our community (a quick Google search will tell you that this is a problem all over the world) with not many solutions. Back to the rats. If you were walking on our beach with your kids, your mom and dad or, friends and came upon a hoard of 2647 rats indiscriminately broadcasting 7941 pounds of rat poop everywhere (what an image that congers up) you would immediately go into panic mode and do something about it. Within a short period of time it would be headlines on CNN and our neighbors to the south would be dispatching a fleet of Blackhawks to take care of the problem. Afghanistan, Iraq, nuclear proliferation in Iran, and wacky leaders in North Korea would become secondary news. Poop is poop, What’s the difference between rat poop and goose poop??? It’s our (actually it’s your problem) problem and we need to do something. In our community we spend zillions of dollars safely treating human waste. Do the residents of Osoyoos make 7941 pounds a day? What an interesting question.

PLEASE HELP!!! OFFER YOUR IDEAS AND OPINIONS. PERHAPS SOMEONE IN OUR COMMUNITY HAS THE ANSWER.